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2003-05-26 - 2:46 p.m.

I gotta start working. Being unemployed (granted, this is a holiday) makes me write in my blog because my brain starts moving too fast, which I hate.

I think I snapped for good and all on Friday. I�ve been studying theology now for 8 years, chasing a dream and hiding from my own violence and love of being a member of �the group�. What has it gotten me beyond a constant slap of poverty and inability to go anywhere with it because I�m not a man?

Friday I snapped because I was standing in Barnes & Noble looking at all these books and I realized, �If I were a Naval officer, I could buy anything I wanted.�

Cause I would have MONEY and wouldn�t be blowing what I have on girly work clothes. And no danger of the pink collar ghetto. The cubicleland I always have feared might happen, but there are worse things.

Like the fact that I�m carrying more debt than Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop.

So Monday, I call the recruiter of officers again--for Active Duty. Forget this Reserve stuff. I want money and a place to live. Hand to mouth is done. I want to be able to buy SHIT I DON�T WANT. Then I�ll sell it at an inflated price on E-Bay.

I still hate the United States and can�t wait till it is the second-rate power it and its evil deserve to be. By then, I�ll be retired on my pension in Mexico.

My one fear, though, is that it�s going to be more than just a job, that my fear of being the fascist soldier type I was in high school is going to turn out what I really am. That scares me. Will the brahman turn out to be a kshatriya? Is the snark a boojums after all?

Eh, who cares. Just give me money to get out of debt and buy all the books and CDs I want.

Graybear now has a blog. That should be a laugh a minute.

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