2003-05-26 - 2:46 p.m.

I gotta start working. Being unemployed (granted, this is a holiday) makes me write in my blog because my brain starts moving too fast, which I hate.

I think I snapped for good and all on Friday. Iīve been studying theology now for 8 years, chasing a dream and hiding from my own violence and love of being a member of Ļthe groupĻ. What has it gotten me beyond a constant slap of poverty and inability to go anywhere with it because Iīm not a man?

Friday I snapped because I was standing in Barnes & Noble looking at all these books and I realized, ĻIf I were a Naval officer, I could buy anything I wanted.Ļ

Cause I would have MONEY and wouldnīt be blowing what I have on girly work clothes. And no danger of the pink collar ghetto. The cubicleland I always have feared might happen, but there are worse things.

Like the fact that Iīm carrying more debt than Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop.

So Monday, I call the recruiter of officers again--for Active Duty. Forget this Reserve stuff. I want money and a place to live. Hand to mouth is done. I want to be able to buy SHIT I DONīT WANT. Then Iīll sell it at an inflated price on E-Bay.

I still hate the United States and canīt wait till it is the second-rate power it and its evil deserve to be. By then, Iīll be retired on my pension in Mexico.

My one fear, though, is that itīs going to be more than just a job, that my fear of being the fascist soldier type I was in high school is going to turn out what I really am. That scares me. Will the brahman turn out to be a kshatriya? Is the snark a boojums after all?

Eh, who cares. Just give me money to get out of debt and buy all the books and CDs I want.

Graybear now has a blog. That should be a laugh a minute.

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